WEEK 6 LECTURE NOTES: LOVING OURSELVES AND OTHERS
LOVING OURSELVES AND OTHERS
WHAT IS LOVE:
· The book defines it as a deep and vital emotion that satisfies certain needs, combined with a caring for and acceptance of the beloved and resulting in an intimate relationship.
· Historically in many cultures, love has been seen as a dangerous threat to the legal and moral order.
· Legitimate Needs: expecting emotional support and understanding, companionship, and often sexual sharing from partners.
· Illegitimate Needs: also known as “deficiency needs” arise when there are feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and unworthiness.
· Love involves caring and acceptance. This means people should feel free to be themselves, and not have to change. For example, there is a song “My Funny Valentine” which describes loving one for one's self.
DO MEN AND WOMEN CARE DIFFERENTLY?
· Women are more apt to be aware of their feelings
· Men are more likely to hold in their inner feelings
UNDERSTANDING LOVE AND INTIMACY:
· Intimacy is sharing. This sharing can be either sexual or more psychic, meaning sharing one’s thoughts; self-disclosure. This may be difficult depending on one’s culture. Some cultures do not allow this level of intimacy between the sexes.
· Commitment: involves a willingness to work through difficulties. It means a manner of acceptance within the relationship regardless of feelings about an issue.
Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love presents three components of love that show the process of love beginning, growing, and being maintained:
· Intimacy: close connected feeling: a warmness toward another.
· Passion: the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, sexual consummation
· Commitment: the decision/commitment refers to a willingness to maintain the love; work through things
Sternberg’s triangle demonstrates how love can begin and grow. The thought is that love is a process with intimacy and passion leading to a deeper, lasting love known as consummate love.
Love Styles are based on John Alan Lee’s typology:
· EROS : Characterized by intense emotional attachment and powerful sexual feelings or desires.
· STORGE : An affectionate, companionate style of love. Sexual intimacy comes about only after the partners develop an understanding of one another. Friendship comes first.
· PRAGMA : This is an example of a relationship based on practicalities and rationality. An arranged married is an example.
· AGAPE : Also known as altruistic love because it is an unselfish love; loving the other means loving unselfishly with all concern being for the other. This kind of love looks for nothing in return only wanting to make the other happy.
· LUDUS : This is a frivolous kind of love focusing on sexuality and the enjoyment of multiple partners.
· MANIA : This is a form of “fatal attraction” All concern is on the idea of love and wanting to have the object of the love focus on the individual only. This is the most pathological form of love.
REISS’S WHEEL THEORY OF THE DEVELOPMENT OF LOVE
· Four Stages:
· Rapport: mutual trust and respect
· Self-Revelation: also known as self-disclosure. The sharing of intimate information about oneself
· Mutual Dependency: interdependency
· Personality Need Fulfillment: satisfying one another’s emotional needs.
TERMS TO KNOW
Three basic styles of attachment
wheel of love
Love is defined as deep and vital emotion. Love is caring. Love means intimacy, but more than physical intimacy. Love means different things to different people and can be misunderstood. One’s understanding of love is related to culture, environment, and societal norms.